Crazy Love-Break the Silence-Stop the Violence

Crazy Love-Break the Silence-Stop the Violence…Greetings Hamptons Mouthpiece readers... You are smart. You are beautiful. You are strong. Your past is gone, and your future is yours to write. You can do this. You can walk away. You can tell someone. You do not have to be a victim.  February is not only a celebration of love with Valentine’s Day, National Heart Awareness month, Celebration of Black History month, it is also Violence prevention for teens locally & nationwide month.

Yesterday I posted a status message on my Facebook page and I received so many comments, I thought it was worthy of sharing with my readers. My first purpose for sharing such a graphic image was to get my point across to the hundreds of young women who follow me on Facebook. They say A picture is worth a thousand words…..Both Rihanna and Chris Brown are celebrities with an enormous following…Rihanna has over 28 million twitter followers and Chris Brown has over 12 million followers together they influence over 40 million people. It was important to highlight their complicated and abusive relationship. You have young women between the ages of 16-25 watching and mimicking this relationship and that saddens me. This is the age group that are more likely to be abused. Is it wrong for me to focus on this couple, I don’t think so.

I believe my girls will make smart choices and never allow anyone to put their hands on them in an abusive situation, you can never be sure. Chris Brown has a huge following and many of these followers are young women and young men. The young men are seeing that this beautiful woman “Rihanna” took him back after a highly publicized abusive fallout. These young men will think they can mimic this behavior and suffer no real consequences. Let review what has occurred, Chris Brown by his own admission admitted to abusing Rihanna, he was criminally charged but serves no time, his career takes a minor setback and he comes back to be nominated for a Grammy 2 years later with who by his side…the same woman he attacked. I am not saying that one should not be able to redeem themselves, and I am not indicating that one cannot change. I question this public relationship and the painful message that it sends to nearly 40 million people who follow them mostly teens.

FACEBOOK STATUS MESSAGE: “This message is for young women…this is not love..anyone that can abuse you like this, you need to find the strength to walk away and not look back. This can happen again. This is a picture of Rihanna when she was beat-up by Chris Brown and a picture of them together during the Grammy’s 2013”

(unfortunately I cannot publish an image on my site…but you can click here to see image 1 of the physical abuse in 2011 and a recent image of Rihanna & Chris Brown at the Grammy’s together this year 2013…click here: Grammy’s 2013

I received so much feed back and I wanted to share the responses because this is a topic that is near and dear to my heart. I lost a very close friend to domestic abuse many years ago and there is not a day that I do not think about her. Could her life have been saved had she “broke the silence” maybe…no one will ever know. My friend Lynne was one of the most beautiful people that anyone would be so happy to call their friend, she was a true friend. Lynne and  I met through another mutual friend who herself was in an abusive relationship but had the strength to walk away from it. One January evening Lynne’s husband killed her in their home with their children upstairs and left and proceeded to try kill himself, but failed and everyday he gets to live with his guilt. That day both of their beautiful girls became orphans. How did it get that far, why didn’t I see the signs, I saw them both the month before that horrific day. The reason why I did not see the signs is because Lynne was silent and she was holding on to a secret and trying to protect her children from a very violent and sick person. We all know someone who has been in an abusive relationship or is still in an abusive relationship. Could this be you?  I wanted to share comments that friends shared and it is my hope that this reaches 1 person. I am not here to judge because I am not living your life…I am here to help and to be your mouthpiece.

FACEBOOK FEED(a little long…but please read)

Vanessa: L. you are entitled to your belief…I have 2 beautiful girls and my message is directed to them and their friends…I stand by my words.

• Friend: the pictures posted here are not accurately in their sequence order, Vanessa. Although I share your passion for the crime, this is unfair, unjust, propaganda.
• Friend: teach your girls truth, not fabricated and manipulated fiction, using real lives and distorting them to suit your lesson, please.
• friend: hmmm…i believe statistically it takes approximately 9x (but don’t quote me) for a person to leave their abuser. It takes extensive therapy and by therapy the parties have to accept their roles in their relationship. I think these two can definitely, being in the public eye, send a much better message than this. They are not role models.

• @friend, you raise a few great points. However, it would be just as easy for me to say “what if” none of those things happened. You are right, we just don’t know. What we do know is that once certain lines are crossed in relationships, there is no turning back. The problem here is that we are dealing with a highly publicized young couple that young girls adore. Many young people don’t make their own values, but rather accept things that are perceived to be acceptable by the masses. The way a young girl may interpret this could be along the lines of: “he beat her up, they had problems, now they are back together and its ok because they look like they love each other.”
• friend: I mean here is guy who recently got into 2 highly publicized incidents where he got physical during both instances. He seems to have a liking for throwing fists. He should quit his music career and join the UFC. I would really like to see him try to beat up Kimbo Slice.
• friend: Watch this…just a perspective from someone who moved on…Leslie Morgan Steiner: Why domestic violence victims don’t leave 

• Friend, I believe the statistic you quoted about 9X is correct. I work with several organizations that deal with violence against women and they often use the same statistic.
• Friend: Ive been through this. It is best to leave so you don’t end up dead, through all of the ‘trial and error’ of his healing path, and before your children become his target and end up growing up to be just like him.
• Friend: This guy needs a beating or help or a ticket to jail… He’s a simmering pot that just needs a little more time to really explode commit murder then whose fault will it be?????

•  Friend: thank you so much for posting this. I do understand where you are coming from because I have 3 younger sisters. Celebrity couples need to hold themselves to a higher standard due to their influence on young people.
• Friend: People can change if they seek help. People make mistakes. Men have to teach Men to be Men. That’s when change will really come.
• Friend: people MAY change but most often don’t. They have to want the help, not be forced to get it. My Ex knew he needed help but refused to follow through with it. Men did try to teach him but he choose to follow his own path.
• Friend:  I am sorry that you had to deal with that. As the video that Pamela Pickens posted above said, 15% of victims of domestic abuse are men. I was one of them. Living through domestic abuse presents many challenges, but I believe that I would not be the strong person that I am today had I not gone through those trials. You are right, while there are a general pattern of events, the individual must choose his or her path. Thank you for being brave enough to talk about your troubles. By being brave, you will give others courage.
• Friend: I agree completely. I am worried that many young adolescents will think it is okay to be with someone or go back to someone who abused them. The media should not hone in on them so much and give their relationship a positive light.
• Friend: I am glad you posted this Vanessa. I have a 2 year old daughter myself, and I would not wanting her thinking it is OK to be abused by a man. When young girls look at Rihanna, they envy her as a person and her music. They also may believe its ok to be abused because Rihanna is back with Chris Brown, who obviously has some anger issues. He is always in the media involved in one altercation or another. He obviously has not learned his lesson, and most abusers never do. Once you cross the line in a relationship, like being physically abusive, it is hard to get that back. It’s just a matter of time. I just hope that young women out there don’t get the wrong message by Rihanna and Chris being back together. They need to know that abuse is wrong, no matter who you are. Again thanks Vanessa for spreading the word!
• Friend: She has very low self-esteem because I work with DV/Rape victims in the Emergency Rooms Nassau County for 13 years.guess what they go back and these woman are 40 years old & up.This is normal for her if you look at her history of her childhood. I don’t judge nobody because I work directly with these people who think they are in a normal relationship. Men are abused also.She wants to be loved. Just like all us woman but she doesn’t know love is never abuse. One day through Gods grace she will get it. Abuse doesn’t mean physical there are plenty of men verbally abusive towards their woman nobody says anything. Self Esteem starts from age zero to 5 years old. As a Day Care Provider working with kids age 6 weeks to age 12years old. I have seen so many abusive Children .It’s really sad. You are a great Mom and your girls won’t have that issue. Thank God.
• Friend: In my experiences with women and men in this situation, men connecting with other men for counseling with familiar cultural backgrounds and understanding has helped. There are so many dynamics i.e. lifestyle, mentally illness , drug dependency and alcoholism, or just damn mean people. I have even seen abusive women who take advantage of the services provided to women who really need help. I think every case is different and there are more than one box people fit in. I am not that forgiving of anyone who is abusive. Some couples do get back together,grow and learn to respect each other. How this couple is doing this would be nice to see in the media, since everything else is so public.

•  Friend: I already did explain how you are distorting the truth. the last time we know, factually, that he has had incident with her was when? the date, please:____________. do you think that you know that these two people have not been working with professionals since then? I agree with your opinions. I am simply sensitive to people spinning or insinuating what is actually history, as current events. this is not substantiated truth, when pictures are deliberately displayed as story board out of their sequence.what gives us the right to use the private lives of two people and make examples of them from their past, when we don’t know the current facts? I rest better knowing I would feel the same about you. Make no mistake. I abhor abuse of any kind and never condone it. But, I would not feel compelled to use the lives of two people I don’t even know personally, to teach my daughter this lesson.
• Friend: listen to Hathor, trust and respect is all there is

• friend:  I appreciate everyone’s opinion, here, and I am thankful for the opportunity to explain mine. All good points. I’m comfortable with mine. I worked in a women’s center, New Directions, for abuse, etc. in the 80’s. I’m also a feminist with women’s studies behind me. all of which have contributed to my findings, today. I pray that Rihanna is in therapy. I pray that they both are. I know the concerns you have with young girls seeing celebs. it’s a parent’s responsibility to see that their children are engaged in activities outside of that environment, entirely, it’s not the celebrity’s.
• Friend: Vanessa I am a father of a 14 year girl and if anyone did than to my daughter they we have to lock me away so he would not be killed I agree with 200 percent. Woman should have more self-respect and leave any man who puts his hand on them at any time. because they are not a man if they do that peace
• Friend: Just because you are offended, doesn’t make it right. Just saying… 1st time a woman may be lucky to escape in tack, 2nd time they may lose their lucky charm. all it takes is one rage… Do death should they part? Would anyone in their right mind want their daughter, or mother to take that chance? smh It’s called self-respect, often woman like Rihanna loose it. That said, let’s hope she makes it out of the next time alive, and trust me, there will be a NEXT-TIME.

  If this is your story, you are not alone. Crazy Love-Break the Silence-Stop the Violence..There are many organizations to help you. Here in the East End The Retreat domestic Violence Services is a fantastic organization. Domestic violence is not just administered towards women, men are also victims of domestic violence and so are children. The Retreat’s mission is to provide safety, shelter and support for victims of domestic abuse and to break the cycle of family violence. In pursuit of our mission, The Retreat annually provides help for thousands of families. Please visit their website for more information. http://www.theretreatinc.org

  The Retreat and Southampton Youth Bureau have partnered for Safe Dates, a 10-week dating abuse prevention curriculum geared towards middle and high school students.

  The first Safe Dates series will begin on March 5, 2013, at the Southampton Youth Center which is located at 655 Flanders Road in Flanders, NY. For more information call 631-702-2392 or visitwww.southamptontownny.gov.